Tuesday, January 13, 2009

An Unexplained Absence and an Inauspicious Return

Whaaa...? Where am I...? What are all these tubes for? The last thing I remember was turning off the TV after the Bills beat the Chargers. Is that snow? Have I missed their home playoff date in the divisional round?

Between then and now...a heaping pile of shit

I actually wish I had been in a coma. The final 10 weeks of the 2008 Buffalo Bills season have likely sawed 7-10 years off from my life expectancy. I don't yet have the energy to describe exactly what it was like watching this team find new and remarkable ways to lose games that were all but won. If the goal was to winnow down the fan base to those who are either unshakably loyal or mentally retarded the folks at One Bills Drive have succeeded. I think this is how murderous regimes find soldiers to carry out their most heinous crimes. Anyone with any objectivity or sense has likely decided that 2009 will be the year they finally let their season's tickets go un-renewed. Me? I'm just too stupid.

It's also important for me to set the record straight. Steve Holt was not Michael Crichton's pen name. My hiatus and his death were unrelated. In fact there's no good excuse for my absence. I don;t really have a good reason for returning to the World Wide Net Web either. All I have is this guy...

That's long-time SI reporter Peter King. As I had described a few months back in a piece regarding King's lavish praise of the now discredited Brett Favre, King is to overrated, white football players what Tiger Beat was to Corey Haim. He is a shameless "Glorifier". In his most recent absurd fawning he declared that New England Patriots slotback Wes Welker made his All-Pro team. In doing so he disagreed with most NFL coaches and defensive backs who, rightfully so, don't even view Welker as the best receiver on the Patriots. That's why they allow him to catch a whole lot of meaningless passes. The aforementioned Michael Crichton could put up impressive numbers if he were lined up across from Randy Moss. Welker caught over 100 passes because opposing teams were alright with that. Teams said "keep the twerpy little guy in front of you and he can't hurt us", and he didn't! He scored three measly touchdowns. Shouldn't there be some stipulation that in order to be an All-Pro you must a) be covered by a #1 corner at least once during the season in question b) out run somebody in the secondary even if its a strong safety, c) not be considered a "lesser evil" than 53 year old Kevin Faulk or d) have more touchdown receptions than Chansi Stuckey or Hank Baskett. Now I'm not saying Welker is a bad player. I am just saying that it is ridiculous to put him ahead of Larry Fitzgerald, Steve Smith, Brandon Marshall, Calvin Johnson or Anquan Boldin. What's most shocking is that King stopped short of naming his Brofriend Brett Favre to the team. I can only assume the software would not accept the selection of a quarterback from a non-playoff team who led the league in nothing other than interceptions and percentage of teammates who'd like him to go F himself. Too bad the Pro Bowl voting system didn't have the same safeguard in place.