Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Because "Bristol Motor Speedway" wouldn't fit on a birth certificate...

Much has been made of having a 44 year-old woman who was serving on the PTA a decade ago one cranky 72 -year old away from being the most powerful person on the planet. Sarah Palin's inexperience is surely something to be concerned about but lets not overlook her questionable judgment. She has a kid named "Bristol". Do you really want your Vice-President to have such a clearly stated affinity for NASCAR? Is that the type of person you want breaking ties in the Senate? W. is obviously a big dumbie but at least he had the good sense to prefer the more cerebral sport of baseball as opposed to watching the good-ole boys making left turns all afternoon. Bristol Palin is obviously named after Bristol Motor Speedway in Bristol, Tennessee. This is what Bristol is all about:

as is this:

Racin' the way it ought'a be!

How can I be so sure about this Bristol thing? She named one of her sons Track. Two of the other kids were given the middle names "Boogity" and "Dick Trickle". I'm not sure what more evidence you need. Word on the blogosphere is that, if elected, VP Palin would table a constitutional amendment to drop all "g's" from official government documents. With the genesis of her name being known, young Bristol's current predicament isn't all that shocking. If anything it's mildly surprising that she waited this long.

The more we learn about Gov. Palin the more absurd Sen. McCain's decision looks. In fact he's probably learning all this at the same time we are. It's as if he chose her simply on spec. Does she like guns? Check. Is she into Jesus? Check. Does she have ovaries? Check. Is she less likely than McCain to develop dementia or drop dead in the next four years? Probably. He may have also done a quick google images search, seen the few pictures where she looks "kinda hot" and the decision was made. Welcome to the ticket, Sarah. A couple more hours of basic research would have identified that she is

  1. Under investigation for allegedly using her influence to get her brother-in-law fired
  2. A former member of something called the Alaskan Independence Party
  3. Prone to slip into a Hoser accent in unguarded moments, dontchaknow!
  4. More likely to be mistaken for a rookie member of the local school board than the Vice-President of the United States
  5. Not that funny girl from 30 Rock, nor is she related to Monty Python's Michael Palin.
  6. The mother of a newborn son, a role which will soon be complicated by additional Grandma duties to little Jamie Lynn Palin (note: the only way to put this one to bed is to force Bristol's baby daddy to enlist in the army. They can then create a story that she got knocked up because her boyfriend was afraid he'd die while fighting for his country. They will then name the unborn child "Enduring Freedom". Within days there will be images of the fetus holding an American flag while riding a bald eagle airbrushed on pick-up trucks across the South).

I know you needed someone who brought an element of "new" to the ticket but surely you could have come up with a better choice than that. If you go with someone who has warts its because there's some great upside they have that outweighs their flaws. Palin looks like she's all warts and who knows what's still to come? At this pace McCain may not even finish in the top 3. If there's a repechage for candidates who finish too poorly on the first ballot the Republicans may be on their way there. Regardless of exactly how things end up the odds are that Sarah Palin is much more likely to become an answer to a trivia question than Vice-President.

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