Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I don't know what to believe in anymore....

No way!....Really?.....You're kidding, right?....C'mon!....Really?.....No f-ing way....Tell me you're kidding.....Billie Jean King is Gay?

Oh, that's Clay Aiken. Never mind.

PS: Speaking of gay, that image is taken from

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The more you know...

This is an elephant...

This is an elephant with a heroin addiction...

That's pretty f-ed up. The moral of this story is don't do drugs because you'll end up looking like shit, even if you're an elephant.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I like to pitch, but I love to sing and Daaaaance

Yesterday saw the suddenly resurgent Toronto Blue Jays pull off their 9th and 10th consecutive wins of the season by sweeping both ends of a day/nighter in Chicago. While the two wins were very enjoyable to watch the true highlight was when Chicago paraded out (no pun intended) their 5th pitcher of the night, one Lance Broadway. Here he is in all his splendor...

Sorry, that's not him...

Again, my mistake. You'd think that was him, but it isn't....

We must be having some sort of technical issues as apparently that isn't him either. This is the actual Lance Broadway...

Now there's a very good chance that Mr. and Mrs. Broadway weren't particularly familiar with all-male cabaret shows nor had they watched a great deal of gay porn. As such they can be forgiven for not realizing that "Lance Broadway" was such can I say this...dramatic name. That is, of course, unless they saw something in him at birth that indicated lil' baby Broadway may have an affinity for all things fabulous. If that's the case Lance Broadway is about as obvious as you can get, short of Reed Chrown or Sandhu Travolta-Cruise Jr.

Good for Lance for going against the grain and not following the path that was clearly pre-destined for him by his given name (surprisingly not a stage name, I looked it up). Mediocre righthanded reliever is certainly not what his parents had in mind back when they were deciding what to call him. Way to break free and make your own way, Lance.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Week 1 in Review part 2: the Tim Russert Memorial highway

Let's forget the ugliness from the previous column and instead focus on the wonderfulness that is the 2008 Buffalo Bills. The opener contained more highlights than last season in its entirety. Marshawn looked like he could break every run. We had a dazzling punt return touchdown by Roscoe which was started and ended by fantastic blocks from Orchard Park's own, Jon Corto. We had the punter throwing a touchdown pass to a backup defensive end in a play that rarely works in high school, nonetheless the pros. The very next play saw Corto blowup the kick returner and the kicker (the mother f---ing kicker!) dive headlong into the pile to rip away the loose ball. That was followed by Trent going straight for the jugular by threading a 30 yard strike to Royal for a TD. It was almost too much goodness to absorb all at once, akin to opening your Christmas presents whilst sitting on the john.

Apart from the highlights you'd see on ESPN there were many little things that should make Bills fans even more excited as we look forward to the rest of the season. First of all, this year our defense goes forward when the ball is snapped rather than being pushed 5 yards backwards. This is a meaningful improvement. Stroud, Kawika Mitchell and Spencer Johnson add both size and surprising speed which have been sorely lacking from this team's D for the last couple years. Also they have gone back to the "mulling around" D which worked so well against the Cowboys last year. This is where the guys on the line just sort of linger in a menacing and confusing fashion. Seattle's offensive line looked both confused and terrified whenever the Bills employed this strategy. The D-line and linebackers took on a bit of crazy, erratic appearance. The Seahawks didn't know what to make of them. I liked that. The offensive line gave Trent all kinds of time and opened a couple huge holes for Marshawn. Kirk Chambers put in the best performance by a Kirk since the 1988 World Series. The special teams units looked even more dominating than last year even with the departure of some key players in the off-season. Bills fans can now replace their Aiken, Wire and Haggan jerseys with those of Corto, Costanzo and Wendling. YouTube legend John Wendling attempted to block Mare's field goal by leaping over the line. He made it over and landed on his feet but just missed the ball. He may have got a fingernail on it though it could have just been such a feeble kick that it looked tipped. I will have the PVR on during every opposing field goal try in an attempt to capture Wendling's amazing feat. When it happens (and it will) the tape will be more valuable then the Big Foot and Zapruder film combined. On top of all that, they came out of the game completely healthy with Jason Peters joining the squad after passing his physical.

By the way what was with Seattle and their miserable effort? They might as well have started Niles and Frasier as their defensive end pairing. The great Patrick Kerney had his ass handed to him all day even without having to utilize a double-team. If he'd registered a meaningless coverage sack I would have dubbed him the West Coast Aaron Schobel. He couldn't even manage that. The decision making by the team was abysmal. It was as if the players and coaches were in a contest to see who could make the other look worse. The fact that the Bills got the ball back at the end of the first half with as much time as they did was simply unforgivable. Perhaps the 'Hawks wasn't able to get up for the game given the unfamiliar surroundings. Admittedly it is difficult finding a good Soy-latte caramel macchiato or an unoaked chardonnay with the proper grassy mouthfeel to make the team feel at home. Maybe next time they make the trip to the Ralph they'll at least bring their own baristas.

So let's take a look at the AFC. The pre-season consensus favorites were New England, San Diego, Indianapolis and Jacksonville. Those four teams combined to win one measly game in week 1, New England's 17-10 squeaker at home to the awful Chiefs who were down to their backup quarterback. If the Chiefs were anything short of pathetic they would have at least tied the game. As an indication of how less rosy the Patriots fortunes look they are now the underdog next week against the Jets. The Jets just snuck by the Dolphins yesterday. San Diego and Indy both lost at home to teams that spent last post-season watching from home...and they were in the NFC! That's inexcusable. The Bills hosted an NFC opponent that actually won a playoff game last year and guess what? They really suck.

That brings us to Jacksonville, the Bills opponent in week 2. The Jags put forth a middling effort in losing to the Titans. If they truly were the team to beat they would have found a way to beat Tennessee and their non existent offense. The Holt family will leave Friday morning for Actionville with considerably more optimism than would have been the case just a few days ago, not only for that game but for the season as a whole. Last week the league was mathematically wide open. Today, it's actually wide open.

Week 1 in Review Part 1: the Low Road

Charlie, remember when I said that you should never take pleasure in other people's misfortune? Well, you can scratch that.

Just after Marshawn danced into the end zone from 21 yards out the image of Tom Brady's leg buckling under the weight of Kansas City safety Bernard "Karma" Pollard splashed across TV screens from coast to coast. In a play eerily similar to the one that saw Vince Wilfork roll over JP Losman's leg early last season, Mr. Bunchen's season appears to be over. This is not to say JP Losman is Tom Brady. As far as I know, Losman has never dumped a pregnant woman for a supermodel...and he still has all his ACLs intact.

Sorry Tom, as I'm sure you're in a great deal of pain. It's unfortunate that this is how fate chose to finally punish your team for all the cheating, run up scores and generally lecherous behaviour. I would have gone with dual lifetime suspensions for Moss and Harrison for masterminding the collapse of the mortgage market or had Belichick kidnapped by a jilted husband.

One way or another it comes time to pay the piper. Just like communism, $140 oil and the popularity of reality shows involving dancing, that which is truly unjust can not be sustained forever. Perhaps we can now add the Patriots Regime to that list. With one awkwardly bent knee the world has become right again and a nation's faith is restored. In the end, are we at all surprised that this happened on a Sunday?

Friday, September 5, 2008

Here I go again...

Though I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I'm looking for,
Oh lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on,
cos I know what it means,
To walk along the lonely street of dreams,

So, here we go again. Sunday kicks off another season of Buffalo Bills football. Over the next two days the feelings of anticipation and impending doom will grow reaching their crescendo just before the 1:00 kickoff. For those of you who have not suffered as a Bills fans let me try and describe what its like. Waiting for the season to start is an uncomfortable feeling likely somewhere between being in a landing craft at the start of Saving Private Ryan and sitting in the waiting room of your proctologist. There's a certain amount of adrenaline involved but not enough to overcome the dread of what's waiting for you. All you can hope for is to come through it in one piece, but your brain is telling you that you probably won't.

As I've chronicled before (and has been suspiciously echoed on Deadspin?!?) being a Bills fan is a test of Biblical proportions yet without any of the heavenly rewards. It's all suffering, no rewards. Usually you're served up a heaping dose of heartbreak at the very beginning of the season. An Amuse Bouche of a kick in the nuts, if you will. Last year's loss at the final whistle in a game where two defensive starters were lost for the season and another guys nearly died on the field was a perfect example of how the Bills tend to kick off a campaign. The team has three losses in their last four openers. Those three games were lost by a combined 6 points. Two of those games were decided on the very last play of the game. The script then calls for a mid-season break from losing winnable games. This is the "false hope" part of the season. Usually this lasts for three or four weeks. During this time talk turns to the schedules of those we're chasing for the wildcard and whether or not we're going to fly to wherever it is they're playing in week 17 to see them win their way in. Enter the second stage of soul-crushing defeats, usually not as dramatic as the first round but equally painful, and we're done. As the song says, the Bills really do make you want to Shout...shout "look out below as I'm jumping off the f-ing roof!"

This is what I thought, of course, until this news broke! Jason Peters has finally come to his senses and has ended his ridiculous holdout! Suddenly the landing craft doors open and the bad guys are already retreating. The proctologist turns out to be a supermodel with abnormally tiny hands. Now, all bets are off. The old, doomed Bills would have never got Peters back. Or if they did, he'd tear his ACL, MCL and ABC during his first practice (luckily I don't believe in jinxes). In fact, Marshawn would have never walked from that hit and run thing if we were talking about the same old post-Kelly era Bills. These are the types of things that only happen to winners. I don't think I'm out of line to view the return of Peters as a sign that good things are on the horizon. Hell, let's just go with that regardless. We're all tied for first and we're all tied for last. There's really no reason to be anything but optimistic.

So that's where we are now. It's Friday afternoon, two days before the opener and I am cautiously optimistic. If my feelings towards the 2008 Bills were being measured by Homeland Security we would be sitting at yellow. I have no idea what that means, but who cares. I believe it was Robert S. Kelly who said it best "It's the freakin' weekend baby, I'm about to have me some fun".

See you at 1-0, jerks!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Because "Bristol Motor Speedway" wouldn't fit on a birth certificate...

Much has been made of having a 44 year-old woman who was serving on the PTA a decade ago one cranky 72 -year old away from being the most powerful person on the planet. Sarah Palin's inexperience is surely something to be concerned about but lets not overlook her questionable judgment. She has a kid named "Bristol". Do you really want your Vice-President to have such a clearly stated affinity for NASCAR? Is that the type of person you want breaking ties in the Senate? W. is obviously a big dumbie but at least he had the good sense to prefer the more cerebral sport of baseball as opposed to watching the good-ole boys making left turns all afternoon. Bristol Palin is obviously named after Bristol Motor Speedway in Bristol, Tennessee. This is what Bristol is all about:

as is this:

Racin' the way it ought'a be!

How can I be so sure about this Bristol thing? She named one of her sons Track. Two of the other kids were given the middle names "Boogity" and "Dick Trickle". I'm not sure what more evidence you need. Word on the blogosphere is that, if elected, VP Palin would table a constitutional amendment to drop all "g's" from official government documents. With the genesis of her name being known, young Bristol's current predicament isn't all that shocking. If anything it's mildly surprising that she waited this long.

The more we learn about Gov. Palin the more absurd Sen. McCain's decision looks. In fact he's probably learning all this at the same time we are. It's as if he chose her simply on spec. Does she like guns? Check. Is she into Jesus? Check. Does she have ovaries? Check. Is she less likely than McCain to develop dementia or drop dead in the next four years? Probably. He may have also done a quick google images search, seen the few pictures where she looks "kinda hot" and the decision was made. Welcome to the ticket, Sarah. A couple more hours of basic research would have identified that she is

  1. Under investigation for allegedly using her influence to get her brother-in-law fired
  2. A former member of something called the Alaskan Independence Party
  3. Prone to slip into a Hoser accent in unguarded moments, dontchaknow!
  4. More likely to be mistaken for a rookie member of the local school board than the Vice-President of the United States
  5. Not that funny girl from 30 Rock, nor is she related to Monty Python's Michael Palin.
  6. The mother of a newborn son, a role which will soon be complicated by additional Grandma duties to little Jamie Lynn Palin (note: the only way to put this one to bed is to force Bristol's baby daddy to enlist in the army. They can then create a story that she got knocked up because her boyfriend was afraid he'd die while fighting for his country. They will then name the unborn child "Enduring Freedom". Within days there will be images of the fetus holding an American flag while riding a bald eagle airbrushed on pick-up trucks across the South).

I know you needed someone who brought an element of "new" to the ticket but surely you could have come up with a better choice than that. If you go with someone who has warts its because there's some great upside they have that outweighs their flaws. Palin looks like she's all warts and who knows what's still to come? At this pace McCain may not even finish in the top 3. If there's a repechage for candidates who finish too poorly on the first ballot the Republicans may be on their way there. Regardless of exactly how things end up the odds are that Sarah Palin is much more likely to become an answer to a trivia question than Vice-President.