Friday, June 13, 2008

An Ultimate Waste of Time

Q: What's the best thing about joining an Ultimate Frisbee team?

A: Finally finding a team you won't get cut from.

***

As I've mentioned before Ultimate Frisbee, or "Ultimate" as its apologists refer to it as, is not a sport. It's a bastardized half-game. Think of it as a less masculine version of hopscotch. It is played without the physical intensity of legitimate mano-a-mano team sports like football, hockey or basketball while lacking the casual self-awareness of more established leisurely sports like softball or golf. As such, you can't hit anyone or have a beer while playing. It's the worst of both worlds. It takes itself too seriously without an ounce of justification to do so. The game has no established place in the fabric of society or relevance to anyone outside a small troupe of misfits. As painful as this may be, imagine, if only for a moment, you were someone who participated in this odd game. You surely couldn't go to a sports bar to watch it on the big screen or bring up your perverse fetish in casual conversation. Mention a real sport and you have an immediate ice breaker at the summer office party. Mention Ultimate frisbee and even the creepy IT guys who only discuss sorcery and magic will avoid you. How well do you think Father's Day would go if you brought up how wonderful your last game was? While you're at it you might as well tell him you're dropping out of med school to become a medieval theatre major and then punch him in the throat. Nothing you could do or say after that would be any more damaging than your first comment.


We won! The first round of Champagne Spritzers and Fuzzy Navels are on me!

There are no great plays or players to emulate. Presumably there are no personal achievements to strive for. I highly doubt there's the equivalent of a hat trick, triple double or grand slam. Perhaps changing your headband three times in a game or politely applauding the effort of every opposing player by halftime are the "Ultimate" milestones. I did hear that there's a guy from the Beaches who recently went through his 50th pair of lulelemon pants in one season! That's probably something that deserves some recognition...and by recognition I, of course, mean scorn and derision.

It's a completely contrived and manufactured pastime seemingly created by those, and for those, with a distaste for all existing sports and conventions. What is it that caused these outcasts to forgo the broad range of available sporting options in favour of this perverse activity? What's the point of this apparent pointlessness? No sticks, no bats, no balls, no nets. Just a plastic disc and a bunch of douchebags running around. If that's not subversive I don't know what is. In my mind its an absolute scourge, something destructive to our way of life. Our forefathers didn't fight a couple world wars so we could sashay about a grass field tossing a frisbee around.

***

Q: What's the worst thing about joining an Ultimate Frisbee team?

A: Knowing that your father hates you.

Sorry, but its true. You're a huge disappointment.

Afterword: I really must add this one point which on its own makes the case that Ultimate Frisbee is not a sport. You can buy Ultimate Frisbee Jewelery. That's right. Just in case people outside your inner circle of douches were unsure as to whether or not you are a complete idiot you can put to rest any doubt by purchasing a "Layout" ring or "Thrower" Earrings. The "Listening to Dave Matthews and Indigo Girls pre-game for inspiration" anklet is coming soon. Also, the team pictured above is actually called the "Fightin' Waifs". I shit you not. Apparently their chief rivals are the Battlin' Brians who's name is an homage to the figure skating finals at the 1988 Winter Olympics. That part may or may not be true.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Clearly you've never played the sport at its highest level. $1000 says you couldn't keep up with any player on an elite team, and that includes the women's teams.

Patrick Srayze said...

What is the sport's "highest level" ? Presumably the freshman co-ed intramural finals at Colgate or Dartmouth....

Steve Holt said...

Of course I haven't played the "sport", at any level. I make a concerted effort to avoid douchebags and idiocy. Participating in your little game would be in direct contrast to these efforts.

Clearly I've struck a nerve. Pissing off the Ultimate Frisbee crowd can be very dangerous. I'll have to keep my eyes open for stray dream catchers or an empty Zima bottle thrown my way.

Dominic Bugatto said...

Steve , you're my new hero :-)

Dominic Bugatto said...

BTW -'Anonymous' - let's be clear where you stand on this issue , dissing 'Ultimate Frisbee' = BAD , being sexist = GOOD.

Anonymous said...

here's a clip of some ultimate frisbee
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-6mHYXyd9s