Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Decision 2008: It's 2008 and we're making a decision

...legally speaking, Ms. Mills-McCartney's case didn't have a leg to stand on.

Don't give me that look. Heather Mills is a miserable shrew who used all possible forms of deception to cheat Sir Paul out of his money. The judge ruled that she constantly made up things in a sad attempt to paint Paul as some sort of abusive drunk. For shame, this is a guy who performed at the Super Bowl halftime show and the last song at my wedding. Admittedly it was a recording of "Hey Jude" but he still deserves our respect. She claimed to have donated a bunch of money to charity, which she hadn't, and poured a glass of water on one of McCartney's lawyers (er... barristers?.. solicitors?.. bobbies?.. lorries?). The leg was lost in a motorcycle accident anyways, it wasn't some sad childhood disease that would have been rightfully out of bounds. She was on Dancing with the Stars for pete's sake. Were not talking about a war amp here. Anyways, she's an awful person who doesn't deserve what she got though thankfully its far less than she was asking for.

Now its time for that important moment where I announce who I am endorsing in the 2008 Presidential election. Given that I am not a US citizen I cannot vote but surely my words will influence many of those who will. As such, I have put as much thought into this as possible. So here goes. Let me first run through those I didn't chose, along with a brief explanation of why:

Mitt Romney: President Mitt? No way. First Ladies? Double no way. Governor from Massachusetts? Triple no way. Speaking of things from New England who were widely predicted to have no problem winning only to flame out when the pressure was on, let me use this opportunity to put my most prophetic prediction in print. Bill Belichick will not be the head coach of the Patriots at the start of next season. The commissioner and congress will somehow put the pressure on ownership to get rid of this menace. You heard it here first.

John Edwards: Clever little guy, but background as a class-action lawyer turned me off. Same reason I didn't support Cellino or Barnes.

John McCain: A little edgy, which I like in a power forward or a defenseman but not necessarily presidential. I swear he was about to dive across the desk during his debate with Dubya around the time of the South Carolina primaries in 2000. If he had I would be all over this guy. He really could have used the release as every time I see him he looks more and more repressed. Clearly this guy is going to blow and at that point he should not be in arm's reach of any sharp objects, nonetheless "the button".

Rudy Giuliani: Worst campaign strategy in recent memory. If you're going to put all your eggs in one basket make sure you're picking the right eggs. Florida was to Giuliani what shoot-first, no defence headcases are to Isiah Thomas. That probably doesn't make much sense but who cares. Even if it's a weak comparison, anyone who can even be considered in an analogy with Isiah Thomas should not be President.

Mike Huckabee: If I were ever to throw my support behind a baptist minister it would be this guy, no question. Likable, genuine and shockingly open-minded on many issues. Unfortunately he comes with all the baggage of the religious conservatives who would flock to him so he's a no-go.

Hillary Clinton: Sorry Hillary. I'm not even sure your own husband wants you to win given some of the things he's said and done. If he's not convinced, how can I be? If you're mad at someone be mad at him.

All Others: Too small, dumb, tall, smarmy, bug eyed, wordy, fat, double-jointed, Austrian, not Austrian enough, undecided, tanned, dead, secretive, grabby, red-cheeked, whorish and/or incarcerated.

That leaves only one logical candidate. My nod goes to Illinois Senator Barack Obama, with the one caveat being that I reserve the right to change my mind if Marv Levy decides to run. While my conclusion may not be that surprisingly, my rationale may have differed from some. Others will point to his moving speech from last night where he courageously tackled the issue of race in America rather than throwing his friend and pastor under the proverbial bus. That was commendable and very much in keeping with his message that he is truly a different sort of politician, but not what led me to his camp. Will.i.am with his cast of C-minus celebs and their performance of "Yes we can" had nothing at all to do with my decision. If anything it was a bit disturbing that Jimmy Kimmel could bring together an all-star group of A-listers for his "I'm F@%#ing Ben Affleck" song while Obama's camp tops out at the late Milo Pressman. Couldn't you have at least roped your buddy Oprah in? By the way, Oprah's endorsement actually worked against him. Her and I have issues going way back. I won't get into it other than to say, I'll never forgive her for what she did to that poor Steadman.

Much attention has been given to how cool and collected Obama has been throughout his campaign. To me its is not his demeanor that necessarily swung my decision but the context in which he has maintained it. Am I the only one who is not blown away by the fact that he has managed all this while in the process of quitting smoking? This is a truly remarkable feat and clearly speaks to his ability to handle any potentially stressful situation. When I went cold turkey I would fly off the handle if my radio reception was less than perfect. If I was forced into a debate during this period I would have certainly told my opponents off at least a half dozen times, and probably the moderator too. My opening address would have been something akin to "why the F--- are the lights so bright and would someone please tell this harpy to quit yapping". Breaking a nicotine habit puts you on the absolute razor's edge. It can turn even the most mild-mannered amongst us into raving lunatics. Haven't you seen the Nicorette commercials? They aren't far off. If Barack can carry himself with such class and poise while in the throes of his battle against cigarettes there is likely very little that he can't handle. Throw in the fact that he overcame the challenges of growing up as a mixed race child with the initials B.O. and its safe to say he has the experience necessary to deal with whatever adversity may come his way.

So there you have it. On behalf of the editorial board here at the WWNW I would like to take this opportunity to publicly endorse Barack Obama for President in 2008. Yes, I'm pretty sure we can!

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