Tuesday, January 15, 2008

WWNW pre-emptive movie review: I bet this will suck

....Ini Kamoze? Ini freakin' Kamoze? That's your answer? Of all the possible choices in the world you went with the Hotstepper, the lyrical gangster? I know six months have passed but I'm still extremely angry about that. You completely ruined a perfectly good evening.

Is anybody else somewhat surprised that Jason Statham has become the next Jean-Claude Van Damme? On the subway this morning I saw a poster for the new release he is headlining (something about castles and swords). The rest of the cast was Ron Perlman, Leelee Sobieski, Mathew Lillard and Claire Forlani. Apparently Alan Thicke and Judd Nelson were unavailable. Shockingly two others were given special mention (you know how the poster puts "with" or "and" before some veteran actor's name and the end of the cast to give a movie legitimacy). They were, get this, Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds. That's the best you could do? Pacino will show up and scream for a minute or two for under fifteen grand these days.

Obviously this movie is going to be awful. The most surprising thing on the poster were the words "in theatres". This stinker seems to have "direct to video" written all over it. Statham was the guy who's career started in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels which he followed up with the comparable, but not as good, Snatch. Since then its been nothing but brainless action movies usually centred around Statham and the little Chinese guy trying to beat each other up. Perhaps it is simply that all things associated with Guy Ritchie have been completely soiled. The absolute and total destruction of his credibility given his relationship with, and subsequent marriage to, Madonna has been well chronicled. Is it possible that her presence has become so venomous that it not only destroys those around but also those one step removed? That could explain how Statham has gone from character actor in critically acclaimed movies to Van Damme with an English accent.

That's about all you'll ever get out of me in regards to movie reviews. As I've said before I don't go to movies given my Dad duties. If I have a free night that would be about number 18 on my to do list even if it was a movie I wanted to see. Hollywood writers, please end the strike soon so we don't even have to contemplate watching something like this.

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