Friday, November 16, 2007

Are you a douchebag?

My regular readers will be aware that I use the term "douchebag" rather often. This word, along with its more to-the-point short form "douche", is in the midst of a great resurgence. Perhaps other derogatory terms from 1980s-early 90s such as dipshit or dickweed will also make comebacks. We can only hope. The uniquely great thing about douchebag, however, is that it was evolved. In its earliest forms this would be the epitome of the douchebag....





Self-righteous, overly fashion conscious and ridiculously primped. Interestingly, just as in Ted McGinley's day the jeans and blazer look has returned as a staple of the douche's wardrobe. The douchebag has always been characterized by both a look and a personality type. Both facets must be in place for true douchebaggery to occur. Today's douche is, however, a much more dangerous creature. Across our cities and suburbs a greater number of douches exist than ever before. They clog up our shopping centres, deplete our haircare supplies and poison our air with the sound of terrible music and souped-up engines (more about this later).

What I've given you so far is a very general diagnosis of what makes a douche a douche. Self-diagnosis on this basis would admittedly be quite difficult particularly given the lack of self awareness on behalf of your average douche. Besides, I've proably used a few too many big words. Right now your average douche may be asking his fellow douche "Hey Brody, what does rig-hit-ous mean. Is that something I should slip into girls' drinks?". To provide some further clraity I'll provide some more concrete symptoms that can help you identify your potential affliction. Then and only then can we work towards a cure. Here are some signs that you may, in fact, be a total douchebag:

1. You bought a car, took it home and did something to it. You lowered it, you put some running lights on it, you did something stupid to the muffler to make it louder, you tinted the windows, had a fin put on or you put some decals on it that say something self-congratulatory or derogatory to other motorists. Pretty much any detailing puts you firmly in the douche camp. If your car is yellow you get bonus points.

2. Do you buy sports merchandise for purely fashion reasons? Team allegiance is a rather important issue for many people so for you to sport a Yankees hat or Barcelona jersey because it matches your wristbands could be construed as being very offensive. If you couldn't participate in a conversation regarding that team and its current state of affairs you shouldn't be wearing their stuff. If you were wearing a priest's colour you would be expected to hear people's confessionals so why should a team jersey be any different?

3. Could your facial hair be described as "sculpted"? If so, put down your rum and diet and go get yourself a razor. Note, if you choose your drinks based on calorie count or carbs you are a super-douche. There is no argument.

4. Are there pictures of you and your buddies standing around that could be mistaken as promotional shots for a boy band? If so, it's Douches wild for the whole lot of you! Look for the Zoolander facial expressions, hand gestures and general posturing. No one will be smiling or holding a bottle of 50.

5. Black guys can't be douchebags. Sorry, I just don't see it. Perhaps one day we'll have a Jackie Robinson of douchebaggery. If I had to put my money on one guy it would be Wayne Brady. White guys pretending to be black guys are, of course, welcome members of the douche crew.

6. Do you style your hair before:
- going to a sporting event?
- working out?
The working out thing actually happens. I saw it with my own two eyes. A tooootal douche at my gym sculpted his fauxhawk before going to work out. He also sang along with the song on his iPod in a very disruptively loud voice. I was originally angered until I realized he was singing along to a Jon Bon Jovi song. At that point it just became funny, particularly given how hard he was trying to hit the notes. That's another douche sign right there, awful taste in music often skewing towards douche-produced music such as boy bands, Sean Desmond and, of course, Euro techno (often heard emerging from the previously described customized automobiles).

7. Are you a complete misogynist predator? Even the most hardened douche won't admit to this (perhaps because they don't understand the word "misogynist") but it's often the case. The hordes of douches that patrol the velvet rope districts are looking for two things: one, mirrors, and two, prey. This is perhaps what's at the root of my anti-douche sympathies. The aesthetics of the douche are irritating but harmless. What lies beneath, however, can be a much more lascivious element. Watch your drinks, ladies.

8. Do you accessorize? A regular guy's accessories are a belt and shoelaces, maybe a watch if you're feeling fancy. The douche's repetoire includes mandanas, wristbands, earring, chains, hats, dog tags and assorted other unnecessaries.

9. Do you speak in an accent that is in any way embellished or altogether made-up? This is a little more subtle indication of the presence of douche but a damning one nonetheless. At work or school you speak in your native Mississauga accent but ramp up to full Portuguese or, even better, the Eminem "8 Mile" as soon as you drop your first $20 cover charge of the evening. Yo wad up, douche?

10. Are you this guy?



or this guy?



11. We're you the twerp in front of me in line at the Ralph for the Bengals game wearing the Brazil sweater? That may be a bit too specific.


12. Take off your sunglasses, hold them so they are hanging straight down and place a medium orange on one of the lenses. If you can see no orange from underneath the sunglasses guess what? You be a douche. If you refused the experiment because you never remove your sunglasses even when indoors or refuse to place produce on your sunglasses for fear of smudging the test is clearly unneccesary in the first place.


13. It's Friday morning. Have you already called to put your name on a guestlist somewhere for this weekend? Perhaps you should just ask them to put down "D. Bag and guest", the guest being your unjustifiably large ego.


If one or more of these apply to you then I regret to inform you that you are a douche. I'm not sure what the prognosis is. Maybe you'll grow out of it, maybe you won't. As evidenced by this guy it can be a terminal condition.


Wow, this guy has it all. The chain, the designer glasses, the undone shirt, an earring, the painfully styled hair and the overly earnest expression. What must the rest of the guys down at the legion think of you? For shame, douchebag, for shame.

108 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Steve - I'm sorry you missed your chance to ride in my old '93 Civic..black..lowered..an exhaust pipe you could put your fist in..2 10" subs in the back..a 12 channel equalizer in the glovebox..2 amps under the seats. Oh yeah, and a special front end kit. That said, I was the only Civic blaring Pantera & White Zombie, so maybe I'd sit on the subs-bench of Team Douche? haha
PG

Dominic Bugatto said...

Pablo?!?!?!

Anonymous said...

Nice work, some of your best to date. The only thing I see missing from there is a credit to the man who started the whole 'douchebag' comeback within Toronto, the greatest of the great......we all know who he is so there's no need to even mention his name.

Anonymous said...

Great work except for the gratuitous Tom Brady pot shot. I guess if he was your quarterback you would still think he is a douche?

In 2007, the Pats beat the Bills 90-17 on aggregate (you're lucky away points don't count for double like they do in international soccer). And the Bills think they have a shot at the playoffs? In the immortal words of Jim Mora, "Playoffs? Play-OFFS?"

Your jealousy of Tom has reached all new heights. Admit your man crush and move on. In the end, you'll be much happier on Sundays and much more comfortable in your own skin.

Steve Holt said...

Obviously if I had any interest in happiness on Sundays I wouldn't have stayed a Bills fan all these years.

Thanks for at least starting with a compliment. The implication that I have some sort of thing for Tom Brady is offensive. Junior Seau however, is a whole different story. I've always had a thing for Tracy Morgan but wished he looked a bit more Samoan. Seau solves that problem.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure that anonymous above has been a hard-core Pats fan for the past 5 years..........before that he liked the Cowboys for a spell after liking the Niners, and the Packers were his favourite for a couple of seasons.

Pats fans suck as much as Yankee fans and Red Sox fans.

Marty said...

Man crush?!? Holt only has eyes for one man, and that's me! Isn't that right Steve?!

Regards,
Bryan McCabe

Anonymous said...

I love how every person who cheers for the Pats is a bandwagon jumper. Just like our mighty Steve Holt was in the early '90s when he decided to be a Bills fan? C'mon..if I have to bust out the pictures of me as a kid in a Craig James or Tony Collins jersey I will (okay I won't but they exist).

Just like Kornheiser said last night on MNF, the Pats are great for football. They absolutely polarize fans, you either love 'em or hate 'em. The sad thing is that the Pat haters are missing football being played at the highest level in league history. Considering how much terrible football is being played on Sundays (see Dolphins vs. Bills Week 10) you would think that NFL fans would be more appreciative. That's okay, I didn't like Gretzky when I was a kid because he was the best and everybody liked him. Then I grew up. There will always be bandwagon jumpers but I am not one of them.

Mosi Tatupu
Larry McGrew
Scott Zolak
John Stephens
Leonard Russel
...and friends.

Anonymous said...

A real Pats fan? Then I must apologize, you're one of the 1% that actually cheered for your team before they became good.

That said, if you're from Boston I still dislike you..........your Red Sox have seen to that!

Anonymous said...

Very well put together blog. I think you've nailed almost every category for identifying a true douchebag. I would like to point out a couple things you missed:
1. Tribal or foreign language tattoo with the inability to speak said foreign language or be a member of any tribe.
2. Self tanning. Be it from a bottle or a bed it's wrong either way.
3. "Guy-liner", lipgloss or anything else that goes on the face and is usually reserved for women.

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Anonymous said...

Hi! Best idea, but will this really work?

hank said...

can you be a little more specific about the hats? i gots an old stihl chainsaw truckers hat that probably looked douchey when it was new but now it's nicely aged. also I wear it regulation forwards. that said is there any hope for the populace that wear truckers hats religiously?

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