Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The next great rivalry

The world needs a new rivalry. The Tupac-Biggie thing is now more than a decade past its most heated battles. Today we have half-ass feuds such as the Kanye-50 Cent album sales thing. An album sales contest!?! What is this, a high school fundraiser? If you tied would you settle it with a dance off? That's nothing more than a competition between opposing lemonade stands compared to the murderous threats and gun battles of Hip Hop's salad days (Ed: likely the first time the phrase "Hip Hop's salad days" has ever been used in the history of the English language). C'mon guys, at least throw a punch! You're making Shannon Doherty look like Suge Knight here. Kobe v. Shaq never escalated to actual violence despite how much joy the image of Shaq pounding on Kobe would have brought to the entire world. Shiites and Sunnis would have high-fived one another at the sight of the Big Aristotle landing a haymaker flush on the Black Mambo's kisser. The calming of tensions likely resulted from the fact that Shaq is just too nice of a guy and the NBA schedules their meetings on Christmas Day. Even a complete ass like Kobe Bryant isn't going to start something on Jesus' birthday. The New England Patriots seem to be waging war against common decency but you can't really call that a rivalry as the Pats are thoroughly trouncing their unprepared opponent. Hopefully decency and all that is good in the world will eventually fight back by asking a defensive tackle to roll over the back of Tom Brady's leg (ala Vince Wilfork on JP Losman in week 3) as he attempts to put the Pats up by 30 with a minute left in a meaningless game. Karma's a bitch, Belichick.


If you're looking for a truly smoldering rivalry look no further than right here. I am starting a fight with fellow columnist Marty at What Would Mike Reno Do. This war will not be waged over perceived slights, copied lyrics or broken hearts. No, this is a legitimate beef with much more at stake...or rather at steak. We will battle IRON CHEF STYLE!!!!!

This Saturday, I and my fellow chefs will do battle with Marty, his wife and my brother-in-law. Bloodlines will be crossed, friends will become combatants, fingers will get nicked. I couldn't be more excited. Both teams will be informed of the theme ingredient at 8:00 AM Monday at which point the contest will begin. One of us will survive to tell a tale of victory, the other.....will probably just pretend it never happened. By the look of things from their team picture below, Marty and his group appear ready to go, though they'll need more than fancy chef hats and matching pants to beat us.Marty and team, you're done! As my accounting teacher used to say, "when you mess with the bull, you get the horns". He had a little hand gesture that went with that. You'll just have to imagine how menacing that looks.

1 comment:

Marty said...

Isn't it the "Black Mamba" and not the "Black Mambo" ? I assume it to be a typo, but it has inspired me.

Shouldn't we be calling Trent Edwards , "Mambo" ? You know....number 5....get it?? get it??