Monday, October 15, 2007

The next Britney

Don't worry, this column will not add to the already tiresome commentary as to how much of a trainwreck Britney Spears' life has become. There is absolutely nothing I could possibly say that hasn't already been said two thousand times already. Libraries could be filled with the cumulative writings in regards to her poor parenting, substance-induced antics and rapidly deteriorating appearance. Luckily thanks to Globalization this has become an international story marking the simultaneous lows of both Western and Eastern cultures. Well done, world!

Instead of harping on her collapse lets try thinking out of the box a bit here. In retrospect her sad state of affairs doesn't seem that surprising. The combined fuel of a sheltered baptist upbringing, an "out for herself" mother, a popular culture bent on tearing down that which they build up and sub-moronic intelligence leads us inevitably to where we are now. Ten years ago, however, this would have been simply unbelievable. Britney Spears going commando? No, that must have been someone else. A decade ago we would have been shocked if Britney was caught drinking a Mike's Hard Lemonade. Now there is literally nothing that could surprise us save her writing an op-ed piece in The New Yorker on border security or election reform. With that in mind, who do we think could be the next Britney? Who is the next to go from Hollywood darling to robbing video stores? That raises an interesting question: who will whacked out child stars hold up when Video on Demand and NetFlix make video stores obsolete? If this had happened twenty years ago would Dana Plato still be with us?

I'm going out on a limb here but my money is on Michelle Wie. Mommy/Daddy issues? Check. Too much, too soon? Check. Sheltered upbringing? Done and done. The key difference, so far, seems to be that Wie is reasonably intelligent but that may only serve to make her more dangerous. She's already gone through two agents in the past year which indicates she (and her parents) don't take advice from outsiders. That's another red flag. It's remarkable how quickly she has been transformed from fresh-faced protege to pariah on the golf scene. Even the usually reserved Annika Sorenstam is taking potshots at her. She's about as popular as uncomfortable shoes on the LPGA tour. On top of all this she is absolutely awful at her chosen vocation. She went an entire season without breaking 70, and she's playing from the women's tees! Nike must be digging through their endorsement contract with her looking for an out. My bet is that they're trying to tie her to a certain dogfighting ring run by a certain other Nike spokesperson.

By no means am I hoping that Michelle Wie's life turns into shambles. I'm just saying that, if pressed, I would pick Michelle Wie from the current crop of sub-20s celebrities to take the most substantial nosedive. It's not the safe pick (Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter might as well just propose to Aaron Carter now and get it over with), but the good ones usually aren't. Let me know if you have any better bets.


Anonymous said...

Britney has the lead in my dead pool. As for her new album, the tracklisting says it all (below). I gather she shares songwriting credits on two of the album's twelve tracks - 6 and 10 look like solid bets. Fred Durst will be staging an intervention in December and leading Brit to salvation in 2008.
1. Gimme More
2. Piece of Me
3. Radar
4. Break The Ice
5. Heaven On Earth
6. Get Naked (I Got A Plan)
7. Freakshow
8. Toy Soldier
9. Hot As Ice
10. Ooh Ooh Baby
11. Perfect Lover
12. Why Should I Be Sad

Steve Holt said...

Britney, to answer the question you posed with track #12 I would answer "because you're fat and the state took your kids". There are other resaons but that should be sufficient.

Anonymous said...

Britney may be many things, but as a mother of 2 kids she is NOT FAT. There maybe some Pillsbury doughboy/Kentucky fried chicken rolls on her but she is not fat. Steve Holt….you owe Brit an apology.

Steve Holt said...

You know what, you're right. I railed against people who called her fat after her MTV appearance. I retract my statement. Britney, you're not fat. Shame on me.