Tuesday, October 23, 2007

A new name and a new destiny!

I spent some time earlier today desperately searching for a saviour. No, I'm not looking for spiritual salvation rather I am terribly in need of someone to help with my abysmal fantasy football team. A raft of injuries and poor bye week planning have turned my once promising season into an awful 2-5 start. The last couple weeks have been particularly ugly as I've been effectively done before the early games are even finished. The team I fielded two weeks ago couldn't have won a fistfight in Korean parliament nonetheless a football game. In order for me to salvage some hope I need someone to emerge from amongst the injured, jailed and/or suspended masses.

My quest turned up one name, Madison Hedgecock. Now, this practice squad call-up fullback isn't going to win me any points in fantasy football but what a fantastic name! Ignore the fact that his first name is the same as 23% of all girls born in North Toronto so far this year. Imagine he just shortened it to "Mad". There is absolutely nothing that couldn't be accomplished with Mad Hedgecock around. While adding him to my actual roster is not going to happen (he's a 266 pound white running back) I have renamed my team "Mad Hedgecock" in his honour. This name change will be to my fantasy season what the arrival of my Marshawn Lynch jersey was to the real NFL season (the Bills are playing almost .700 ball since it showed up on my doorstep). Mad Hedgecock is going to mess you up!

Maybe a name change is what Ol' Britney needs to turn around her equivalent of a 2-5 start to the 21 century. Perhaps something more scholarly like Cynthia Willingham or a more worldly name like Claudette von Schruben. Claudette could save on monograms by just getting a job at the local pharmacy. Man, that's an absolutely idiotic joke. Where am I even going with this? Let's move on, quickly.

Halloween is fast approaching and we haven't yet decided upon a costume for young Charlie. As I finished burping her the other night the burp cloth fell over her head. If it wasn't for the fact that she started crying she would have been the spitting image of Blanket Jackson. Putting a cloth on a baby's head is probably the worst idea for a Halloween costume so we'll definitely need to think of something else. Plus who would want to cover up that little face? Well I guess I will when she turns 12 and gets his first burqa, but for now she should really be sharing her cuteness with everyone. Please let me know if you have any other costume suggestions.

I'm sure dressing her up will finally give me reason to enjoy Halloween after 30 years of indifference. Even as a kid I was never really into trick or treating. I'm sure my lack of a sweet tooth contributed to this, as did a lack of appreciation for firecrackers and petty vandalism as I got older. Now all I associate with the holiday is the grabby neighborhood kids, many of which are well past the age of legitimate trick or treating. Those little buggers ran through our entire supply by 7:30 last year. Perhaps I can put it into their heads that they're stealing candy from a baby though that may not do anything to curb their greed. Charlie will have to work on her sad face. The other option is to have a bag of real candy for those legitimately trick or treating and a bag of crap (sunflower seeds, candy corn and raisins) for when the teenagers approach. At least that should dissuade repeat customers.

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