Friday, October 5, 2007

My semi-annual guilt trip

I just got back from the dentist. I recently switched dental offices as my dentist moved his practice into the city. The hygienists at the old office were extremely irritating. The annoyance of their cheeriness was only surpassed by the inanity of their conversation choices. Every visit seemed more torturous than the last. The gum-digging seemed to intensify while the Maroon 5 being played on the easy listening station became increasingly ear-splitting. All this while being subjected to an unending stream of the most uninteresting thoughts and observances ever imagined, with but few pauses where I was expected to agree or disagree. Of course my mouth would still be full of instruments so I couldn't manage anything more than "yah" or "nyah". 45 minutes felt like three weeks. This would all be capped off by the inevitable guilt trip about my insufficient flossing or brushing technique. Quite clearly this was some sign of moral failing or self-loathing given the disapproving reaction I receive. I must be a terrible person and unfit father. Maybe custody of little Charlie should be given to K-Fed just to be safe.

While today was still a reasonably miserable experience, it was a virtual Caribana compared to visits to the old place (I haven't been to Caribana since I was a kid but I presume it's a lot of fun). The hygienist still expressed concern with my lack of flossing but did so in a way that didn't make me feel like a scolded child. Best of all, I got to use my "I told you I was a hemophiliac, right?" joke at the end of the appointment. Unfortunately it only works once, but boy does it work well!

Our soaring economy has resulted in the unemployment rate hitting a 33 year low. I even noticed help wanted ads on the outside of the Domino's pizza box the other day. The timing couldn't be better as Charlie just got a SIN number this morning. Her resumes are being sent out as we speak. Presumably some honest work at a young age will help in my efforts to prevent her from turning into another gum-chomping, designer bag-toting, windshield-size sunglass wearing adolescent. I figure a tannery or anywhere that some sort of smelting is being done would be a good option. What she lacks in experience she should make up for with hard work. She can't talk so you won't have to worry about insubordination, potential employers. Just keep her away from running water as it tends to put her to sleep.

I was having a conversation with a Jewish guy I work with and he informed me his family doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving as it's a Christian holiday. Is it really? If so, why do Canada and the US celebrate on different days. What is the biblical event or figure being celebrated? Is there something referencing pumpkin pie in Deuteronomy? Was Noah a glazed ham? Perhaps there are Christian origins but hasn't it essentially become more of a secular holiday. I've never heard of people going to Thanksgiving service or schools outlawing Thanksgiving greetings. US Thanksgiving seems to be about the Pilgrims, the Indians, Plymouth Rock and all that. Not even that is mentioned around the table north of the border. It's pretty much all about getting together with the family and gorging yourself. Sure you usually give thanks, but you can give thanks to whomever you want. Last year I thanked my exterminator and the inventors of the Canadarm. If your family hasn't celebrated Thanksgiving because you have traditionally felt excluded please come on by our place. We'll save a drumstick for you.

The turkey loves all people, except vegans.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone (and I mean everyone...except Isiah Thomas)!

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