Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean, calm bl...ahhhh for Chrissakes!!!!!!

After watching the Leafs blow two goal leads in successive games with her Dad I'll be shocked if Charlie's first word isn't "@#$%!*&". Perhaps I shoudn't be subjecting her to this. I'm worried that exposure to the Leafs may even be stunting her growth. Her growth trajectory has slowed markedly since the hockey season began. She is now back to the 50th percentile in height after having rocketed to the 75th at her last doctor's appointment. If this keeps up the poor thing is on her way to becoming a foul-mouthed dwarf. Essentially continued poor defensive zone coverage is turning my infant daughter into one of Howard Stern's co-hosts. Thank you Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment.

Mom is clearly a better influence on Charlie than I am. Today she's taking her to baby yoga. Daddy introduces her to chronic disappointment and cussing while Mom shows her calm blue oceans and improved flexibility. Psychologists would call that a "balanced upbringing"....well, maybe unlicensed psychologists. Perhaps I should try yoga. Apparently it helps with golf and I could certainly use the calming. That being said, I'm not thrilled with the concept of being in a room where no one is wearing shoes or socks, particularly given the "earthiness" of your average yoga-ist (yoga-er?). Come to think of it, I'm out on the chanting and incense as well. The faintest whiff of incense immediately sends me into a furious rage. I imagine "rage" is not one of the more welcome emotions down at the neighbourhhod yoga studio. I don't think I could don the uniform either. Last Christmas my lovely wife bought me a pair of Lululemon "men's" pants. She might as well have given me a gift certificate for a butterfly tattoo on my panty line. Needless to say they were returned. What if I just do some deep knee bends and jumping jacks while listening to someone playing the sitar, minus someone playing the sitar? That should be good enough. Hey Sting, you can kiss my inner peace!

I can already do most of this move, at least the upper body part


I wonder how my new found enlightenment will change my life. Presumably my subway rides will pass with fewer visualizations of tossing fellow commuters through windows. That should give me more time to think of productive things like new Senator Larry jokes or interesting dishes with yellow beets, in the process benefiting everyone. The enhanced flexibility will help in getting Charlie's carseat in and out of the back of her Mom's Jetta. The ability to levitate will also be pretty cool. Of course it will all be undone by a quarter of Bills football but it should be fun while it lasts.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

For Christmas we’ll buy Charlie the first season of TLC’s Little People Big World.

Anonymous said...

Why do you lie about the Lululemon pants? You told me you wear them to sleep in, they weren't returned.

Marty said...

Is good that your child has a role model (Ricky Williams) so early in life. She's destined to play in the CFL.