Friday, September 21, 2007

You don't talk good!

Well today marks the first day that I've come into work with spit-up on my clothes. I just noticed it as a sat down. It's a very suspicious looking stain on my right pant leg. No wonder that girl on the subway looked at me funny. I just thought she was in love with me. I can't really blame Charlie for spitting up on me this morning. We tried changing up her routine a bit last night. Amending a baby's schedule is a bit like taking a crap in the dark. You won't really know if it was successful until the next morning. She slept well so I'm going to deem the operation a success even with my dubiously stained pants.

I apologize for taking the last couple days off as things have been a bit busy around the office. I import rare and vintage soft drinks. Thank you falling greenback! Not only has the dollar kept me on my toes but I'm also in litigation with the estate of Luciano Pavarotti. I am the original king of Hi-C and will fight to keep that title.

Long live the King of Hi-C!

Also, there hasn't been much to write about. Sen. Larry's story now seems to be bogged down in legal wrangling which doesn't make for great commentary. All I've heard that's new is that he interviewed at Club Monaco on Bloor and wants to make sure he gets that job before resigning. After all, he'll need some money to go clubbing and he thinks that the employee discount is "totally fabulous".

Last night I was having dinner with some of my more influential readers. As you can imagine, the conversation turned to the WWNW. I can't remember if it was Prince Harry, Enya or Cowboy Bob Orton but someone mentioned how often I critiqued people's use, or rather misuse, of language. I had never really thought about it but I guess they're right. The things people say do often bother me, not what they say but how they say it. It got me to thinking, what could I do to help? Perhaps a list of banned phrases is a good place to start. The following words of phrases, if uttered, will result in huge fines and perhaps torture. Here goes:

Adult Beverage: This one really annoys me. Can't you just see "the party guy" at the end of a conference at the Milwaukee Radisson saying "it's time for an adult beverage!". I guarantee his "beverage" is a Coors Light and by the end of the night he will have attempted to cheat on his wife or at least suggested the group head to the nearest rippers. He's also the guy who still adds -inator to the end of people's names. Big-time douche, stupid phrase.

____ is the new ____: Here's a phrase that has far outlived it's usefulness. I'm not sure that there are any words you could put in there that wouldn't be overshadowed by the tiredness of the phrase itself. "_____ is this season's little black dress" still has plenty of legs despite reaching it's apex a few years back with Marty's "The feeding tube is this season's little black dress". Classic.

Irregardless: I'm shocked how often this word is used even by those who don't immediately appear to be mouthbreathers. The proper word is disirregardless. Learn the language, you buffoons!

Blog: This is a "column". Blog is the sound you make after mixing vodka, milk and pickles. Column also indicates I may be getting paid.

Going Forward: I'll mention this phrase in particular but consider it a condemnation of all nonsensical executive blather. These meaningless sayings (net-net, on the come, etc.) are no longer just confined to the realm of quarterly conference calls or annual meetings. You now hear them amongst the general population. Going forward, people who speak like this will be given Chilean neckties, net-net.

"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas": Let's ignore the fact that this tagline clearly is meant to condone adultery and various other debaucherous pursuits. What really bugs me about this saying is that Las Vegas cannot be mentioned without some jerk saying "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".

Regular person: "I was in Vega..."

Big-time tool: "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"

RP: " for a funeral"

BTT: "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"

Most likely the person rattling over this tired phrase has never been to Vegas or if they have they spent 20 minutes playing quarter slots before heading back to their room to catch "Two and a Half Men". Adding to it's annoyance factor is the fact that it has now been adopted by pretty much every destination. I'm waiting to see a t-shirt with "What happens in Vatican City, stays in Vatican City". It's the new Hard Rock Cafe.

Small World: I have mentioned this before but I simply can't ignore it in the context of today's piece. If you were in a small Armenian village and had mentioned a certain classmate from elementary school only to run into them later that day with no previous knowledge that they were anywhere near Armenia you would be more than justified in using the term "small world". Of course, if you're Armenian don't even think about it. This phrase has been so bastardized to the point of losing all relevance. Here's a dramatization:

Average Torontonian: "You know who I ran into today? My wife! Right there in my bedroom. She was literally sleeping right beside me"

Stupid Idiot: "Huh, what a small world"

The only acceptable use of the term outside of Armenia

Well that's it for today. I've just had a shipment of 1978 Hires come in so it's back to work. Let me know if there is anything you'd like to add to my list. Together, we can make a difference.


Marty said...

Oh man, I forgot about the feeding tube era. March '05 ruled.

Where have you gone, Terri Schaivo?
A nation turns its lonely eyes to you
Ooo ooo ooo.

Is that how the song went?

47_Ronin said...

"scope creep" - I hate that term. Makes me think of some smarmy, fresh-breathed, open shirted, gold-chain dangling, Lincoln Continental driving, McDonald's in a styrofoam container eating, Condoleeza Rice loving freak.

Now I have to get back to moving the needle on creating synergies by plucking the low-hanging fruit.