Friday, September 14, 2007

Fashion Week at WWNW

How could Tim Blanks and Jeanne Beker miss this? The Leafs unveiled their new uniforms on Wednesday to much fanfare, and by fanfare I mean complete disinterest. That disinterest was justified when the Leafs unveiled their old practice jerseys as the latest incarnation of their storied sweater. The only difference is that they've shrunk them and lengthened the back out a little bit. Rumor has it that the jerseys were square in the back but have already been stretched out by the continued efforts of Richard Peddie to drag the team down. Either that or by Damien Cox riding their coattails. Mr. Cox, your "everything the Leafs do is wrong" columns write themselves now don't they, you lazy bugger. I'd like to see them win the cup solely to see how you would somehow turn that into a negative. Perhaps you'd complain about the length of the parade or the excessive contact during the celebration.

Tucker, Kaberle and a member of the Jr. Leafs Nation show off their new PJs before bedtime.

The bean counters who run MLSE have developed a complex matrix to determine how to absolutely maximize the profit margins on these jerseys. That explains the sparse look of the new product. WWNW had someone on the inside during the design process. Here's some of the more damning excerpts:

Low-wage outsourced designer #1: "The silver trim really punctuates the crest but it will add seventy eight cents to each jersey."

Larry Tannenbaum: "78 cents? Forget it. Look at how good I look without any silver trim."

LWOD #2: "We have the crests that we tore off of last year's inventory. We could just sew those on the shoulders."

Teacher's CEO Jim Leech: "No let's keep those. We can stick them on the load of recycled diapers I picked up at the dump. I'm sure those suckers er, our loyal fans will pay $19.99 a piece for those".

Richard Peddie: "Hey guys, forget about all this hockey nonsense. Let's go mockneck shopping!"

End of scene...

As my grandfather always said, never trust guys who wear mocknecks.

By the way is there anything more awkward than watching professional athletes model jerseys? Darcy Tucker looked like he was going to throw a punch at someone, even more than he usually does. Kaberle is awkward at the best of times. I thought he may pass out from having to suck his gut in for that long. Somehow the designers of these things have found a way to make players look small and fat. That's probably why they all got fired by Addition-Elle in the first place. If they don't look good on a piece of man-meat like Kaberle how bad are they going to look on the average fan? Perhaps the replica versions will be a bit more forgiving. You couldn't help but feel bad for the guys who were asked to model the new Marlies jerseys. Talk about an obvious sign you have no hope of making the big club.

I had mentioned a few weeks back that I ordered a Posluszny jersey on eBay. Unfortunately the seller informed me that he no longer had the size in stock. I decided to put off the decision until after the first game. In scanning the crowd it quickly became evident that the Posluszny #51 jersey has become this season's "little black dress" amongst the fashionistas of Western New York. As such I've decided to go in a different direction. Marshawn Lynch's impressive debut along with the video clip of him driving the golf cart on the field in college convinced me to go in the direction of #23. In a perfect world I'd be able to find a #71 Jason Peters authentic road jersey at a reasonable piece. Perhaps if you readers were more interested in my banner ads I could shell out the $300 for one. Thanks for nothing.

I didn't mean that. You complete me.

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