Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I can't quit you, Sen. Larry

Many of you will have read the transcript from Sen. Larry Craig's public statement yesterday. If you had, you may have missed some of the subtleties that could be seen and heard from the live video feed. For instance, the transcript would likely have ommitted the fact that Sen. Larry walked to the mic with the club mix of "Never gonna give you up" by Rick Astley playing. Now I'm no political advisor but I would have perhaps chosen something a little less "man's man". A new country or Christian rock track would have put forth more of a meat and potatoes Idaho man image. Perhaps something like "Put her in the buck" from 2 Live Crew would tell everyone how much you like the ladies. On the plus side his handlers (and I don't mean that in a lewd way) made the right decision going for the short sleeve shirt with the button down collar. I'll give them points there. Of course, the fact that they let the Senator take two 45 minute bathroom breaks during the statement more than outweighs their one good decision. They should also clearly point out to the Senator which one is his "wife". It was very awkward when he grabbed his lawyer's hand after admonishing the media for what this "witchhunt" had done to his wife. He then grabbed a passerby, the podium and a foot-long turkey sub before finally figuring out who is wife was supposed to be...er, is.

There's one piece of the text that I would have changed. Instead of saying "I am not gay" he should have said "I am not a gay". Old guys who have never seen or met an actual gay person tend you use the term gay as a noun not an adjective. By using proper terminology you made yourself look a little less ignorant than you could have. If you are trying to maintain the image of a "values-based" Republican you need to play up your ignorance. That's the character you're supposed to be playing, Larry.

This really is all very sad particularly if his wife believes his act. If she's just a prop who's in on this then it's not as disturbing. Hell, there's a reasonable chance that Sen. Larry believes what he's saying. He may not consider himself gay. He's just a guy who loves his wife and occasionally looks for fast love with other dudes in Midwestern airports. That's the farthest thing from gay.

I'm not sure what's worse, Sen. Larry's reaction to his gay scandal (or gandal, for short) vs. that of Sen. Mark Foley or the Rev. Teg Haggard. The latter two admitted to their trysts, inappropriate e-mails to young male pages in the case of Foley and meth induced man-love with a call boy in the case of the good minister. The fact that Sen. Larry still denies he's gay despite the mounting evidence (again, not meant as a joke) against him makes him a bit more pathetic in a sad, old, wounded animal kind of way. Foley tried to blame his gayness on booze. That's unfair to gays, and drunks. How does a few drinks turn you gay? Are you sitting around with the guys and one of them after the fifth jack and coke says "man, I love this guy" and then suddenly you're antiquing together? Booze can't turn a straight guy gay. I doubt anything can. It's not something you hear about and say "hey, I've never considered that but it sounds like fun. All I need is a few drinks". It's not like hang gliding or cow tipping! The Haggard thing is even more absurd, not to mention the obvious hypocrisy of it all. His trip to gay rehab just makes it all the more ridiculous. I guess what's most ridiculous about it is that people out there believe you can turn gay by drinking too much and can get "cured" by going to bible camp. Idiots.

Anyways, hopefully Senator Larry will come to terms with who he is so he can get back to using airport men's rooms for their intended purposes. He likely won't have to worry about his senatorial duties for too much longer so he'll have some time to search for Mr. Right. Perhaps he's already found him. Back in 2005 he co-sponsored a bill with a Congressman "Butch" Otter, and I'm not making this up, to:

"recognize and encourage "the contributions made by cowboys to their communities," the U.S. Senate unanimously approved a resolution designating Saturday, July 23, 2005 as "National Day of the American Cowboy."

Ride on, cowboys!

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Speak for yourself that a couple of drinks can't turn you into a man's man........when you're running around in your jorts and I've had a few jack and cokes even I think about it......

These comments are anonymous right?

Dominic Bugatto said...

Another witty post to start my day off with. I look forward to the collected WWNW volume when it comes out , and the subsequent book signing at Chapters Indigo.

BTW - the posters from your softball team should get some bollocks and stop posting as 'anonymous' .

Keep'em coming 'Steve'. That is your real name ?

Anonymous said...

If sen. Larry were to sleep with CHFI’s Erin Davis would he still be considered gay? I say yes.

Steve Holt said...

The Erin Davis rip wins the prize for comment of the week. Your Craig T. Nelson autographed 8 x 10 is in the mail.

Seven Star Hand said...

Hi Steve,

Karma can be a bitch when the time to pay the piper for such staggering hypocrisy rolls around. It just boggles the mind that holier-than-thou Christian leaders are so often involved in sick, sick, behavior. Just look at the history and current events of the Vatican and Papacy. See the patterns here?

Notice that Larry Craig was nabbed on June, 11th? Notice the pattern of pivotal events repeatedly occurring on number 11 days during recent years? How many unlikely coincidences are necessary before one sees a strong pattern in the noise?

Here is Wisdom !!

Billy Zabka said...

I got married on the 11th. Does that mean I am gay? I'm confused now.