Friday, July 27, 2007

On dog fighting, tasering and Jesus P

What the world needs more than anything right now is more opinions on the Michael Vick saga. I'm curious as to why no one seems to be investigating whether or not the dogs bet on Falcons games (a lot of smart money moved to Vick -117 yards passing before last season's final game). Marcus' older and wiser brother is being universally condemnded for his alleged involvement with the Bad Newz Kennels (I thought the "z" for "s" thing was played). Perhaps we should hold off judgement until all the facts are in. He bets on the dogs, the dogs bet on him. Who gets hurt? Absolutely nobody. Besides, the real off-season scandal involving an NFL quarterback is the fact that the great philanderer, Tom Brady, apparently had relations with a woman he wasn't married to. What's with the double standard, US media? How about we leave Mr. Mexico alone and focus on he who is truly the worst person in America, Tom Brady (sorry, better luck next year all you mass murderers and suspected terrorists).

Moving on, if you're attempting to taser a Chilean soccer player how do you know if you've been successful. When you're using a taser to subdue a cracked out joyrider it's usually quite clear whether or not you've been successful. The assailant will either keep coming at you or fall to the ground while likely crapping themselves. The latter reaction is one that your average Chilean (or Portuguese, or Argentinian) soccer player has five to six times during a 90 minute match. That makes it awfully difficult to determine if the tasering worked or if the player is simply reverting their basic instinct of faking injury. In the future local law enforcement should be extra careful to ensure that they have made firm contact between taser and soccer player in order to achieve the desired affect. Why not give them an extra shot or two just to be safe.

Finally (and most disturbingly) Jesus P Losman will miss the start of camp due to a bad back. Apparently carrying the weight of an economically depressed region's slim hopes of happiness was a bit much for him. Get well soon Jesus P. We need you. My daughter is really looking forward to this season, but then again she's not even three week's old so that may just mean she crapped herself. At least it wasn't on purpose, Chilean Soccer Federation.

1 comment:

Dominic Bugatto said...

That's actually quite funny . I'll be sure to stop by for future installments ;)