Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Little people, big blood alcohol level

You have to feel for little people. Everything they do is viewed in the context of their dwarfism. Take, for example, the news that the star of Little People, Big World was arrested for DUI. Instead of just being treated like any other drunk C-list reality star the coverage focuses on the fact that he's a midget. "Little Star Hit Bar, Drove Car" reads one headline. Why is his "little-ness" relevant? Weren't people listening when Charla made the "Little people are people, too" speech that brought the stone-hearted Phil Keoghan to tears? One day I hope we can live in a world where little people are treated the same as their longer-limbed peers. If some midget decides to say, start a dog-fighting ring let's make it about the dog fighting not the dwarfism.

Upon reflection I've decided to re-instate the name "Craptors". We had decided to drop the name Craptors in reference to the Toronto Raptors earlier this year as the team finally made it back to the playoffs after an unforgiveably long absence. I have since realized that I miss the term. What was originally created as a derogatory term for a trainwreck of a franchise has, over time, become a term of endearment. Now it stands as an acknowledgment of the humble beginnings for what could evolve into a perennial Eastern Conference contender. It was also a bit of a protest against the ridiculousness of the team's given name. "Raptors" was a contrived name designed to make a quick buck on the Jurassic Park dinosaur fever of the mid-90s. Luckily Toronto wasn't given an expansion team in 1988 or we could be cheering for the Toronto Coreys. I wouldn't rule out any level of blatant money-grabbing when it comes to Toronto sports teams. Rumor has it that Richard Peddie was pushing for the Marlies to be called the Toronto Macarenas. He is truly without shame (or taste, apparently). Now there's a douchebag!

Monday, July 30, 2007

The weekend that wasn't

John Gibbons did a great job messing up a winnable series while potentially screwing up his clubhouse (again). He (or maybe Ernie Whitt, but how could anyone be mad at Ernie?) screwed up the lineup card thus making Johnny Mac ineligible for Friday's game which is a textbook way to start a must-win series. The same textbook also suggests fielding only 6 players and spotting the other team 3 runs. The game itself was punctuated by the premature pulling of Josh Towers which led to the winning runs. Josh Towers' completely justifiable rant after being given the quick hook (thanks for the two 1-0 wins in your past three starts now go sit on the bench) is probably his ticket out of town which is a bit of a shame. Despite being God awful last year he was actually much closer to his 2005 form recently which makes him a pretty decent option as your fifth starter.

Note: I wrote "premature pulling" on purpose. It sounds funny.

The Halladay-Beuhrle duel on Saturday was a fitting follow-up to their last showdown. While I'm upset with the outcome I have to tip my hat to two pitchers who work so quickly. Kei Igawa and Miguel Batista should have their eyes forced opened while those two games are played on a continous loop for at least a week. Even the moustacheless Rod Black seemed bothered by having to sit through that Igawa start a few weeks back and he has to watch figure skating and CFL games! I thought it was impossible to upset Rod. BTW, grow the stache back. It takes the attention away from your thinning lid. Wow, that was unnecessarily catty. I guess I deserve a no yards penalty for that.

Nice to see a Chilean player admit that one of his teamates (or perhaps a coach) punched a female cop during their skirmish with police in Toronto. Perhaps the Star could put a picture of the cop's bruises above the fold as they did with the "sympathetic" picture of the tasered Chilean. I don't know why this whole story makes me so angry. I think it has something to do with how the Chilean officials and fans have blindly supported their spoiled brat soccer team despite their appalling behaviour during the tournament (and that's excluding anything to do with the brawl). Misguided nationalism really bothers me. If someone's being a douchebag than have the objectivity to call them a douchebag even if they're from the same place you are. Chris Neil is a douchebag. See how easy that was?

I got to stay up watching TV until midnight last night as the little one was up at her grandparents' cottage. As such I was able to watch the Sunday Night Sports Show on WKBW. The voice of the Bills John Murphy had a rundown of the top 7 questions at camp this year. I really can't remember what they were which is fine because there wasn't anything particularly interesting. What was interesting, however, was anything to do with Marshawn Lynch. The footage of him running through would-be tacklers was like a Bow-Flex commercial accept that the guy with the ball had dreads, better feet and the tacklers weren't really trying to tackle him (it was non-contact drills). Regardless it made my heart skip a beat. Lynch #23 has now moved past Jesus P. and Poz in the "Who's jersey will I buy" sweepstakes. I'm still very much undecided so don't give up Poz (you're still in the running too, Jason Peters, but I've already named my furnace after you and I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket). My McGahee experience is making me weary of running backs, though in the case of Willis we all knew it would end badly even if we didn't want to admit it. I really hope Marshawn finds a way to enjoy the Buffalo nightlife (or at least learns how to get to Toronto). Having spent a few nights on Chippewa I'm thinking a young Polish-American like Poz will feel a bit more at home in Western New York. Hopefully, I'm wrong. Maybe one day we'll see Marshawn and Thomas Vanek splitting pitchers at the Galleria Jack Astor's. If so, the first one's on me!

If anyone gets wind of a local version of "Too Catch a Predator" let me know the details. Here's what I'm thinking.

Me: "Hey Pat, we're going to a party at 1234 Whatever street. Why don't you grab some wine coolers and meet us there. It'll be awesome".

Pat: "sounds good"

Chris Hansen: "Seems like someone's looking to party"

Pat: "Damn straight!"

Who wouldn't see the humor in that?

Friday, July 27, 2007

On dog fighting, tasering and Jesus P

What the world needs more than anything right now is more opinions on the Michael Vick saga. I'm curious as to why no one seems to be investigating whether or not the dogs bet on Falcons games (a lot of smart money moved to Vick -117 yards passing before last season's final game). Marcus' older and wiser brother is being universally condemnded for his alleged involvement with the Bad Newz Kennels (I thought the "z" for "s" thing was played). Perhaps we should hold off judgement until all the facts are in. He bets on the dogs, the dogs bet on him. Who gets hurt? Absolutely nobody. Besides, the real off-season scandal involving an NFL quarterback is the fact that the great philanderer, Tom Brady, apparently had relations with a woman he wasn't married to. What's with the double standard, US media? How about we leave Mr. Mexico alone and focus on he who is truly the worst person in America, Tom Brady (sorry, better luck next year all you mass murderers and suspected terrorists).

Moving on, if you're attempting to taser a Chilean soccer player how do you know if you've been successful. When you're using a taser to subdue a cracked out joyrider it's usually quite clear whether or not you've been successful. The assailant will either keep coming at you or fall to the ground while likely crapping themselves. The latter reaction is one that your average Chilean (or Portuguese, or Argentinian) soccer player has five to six times during a 90 minute match. That makes it awfully difficult to determine if the tasering worked or if the player is simply reverting their basic instinct of faking injury. In the future local law enforcement should be extra careful to ensure that they have made firm contact between taser and soccer player in order to achieve the desired affect. Why not give them an extra shot or two just to be safe.

Finally (and most disturbingly) Jesus P Losman will miss the start of camp due to a bad back. Apparently carrying the weight of an economically depressed region's slim hopes of happiness was a bit much for him. Get well soon Jesus P. We need you. My daughter is really looking forward to this season, but then again she's not even three week's old so that may just mean she crapped herself. At least it wasn't on purpose, Chilean Soccer Federation.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Gary Busey could be CEO material

Apparently the stock market has decided to be uncooperative today. As such I figured it would be a good opportunity to take a few moments and start a blog. Its purely a vent at this point but we'll see where it goes...

I was also struck by a thought earlier today. Lindsay Lohan was arrested again for chasing some innocent woman in her car while all liquored up and in possession of coke. She was only just released from rehab. What's interesting to me about this whole thing is not that she was arrested (or that Vegas now has her as a 15 month favorite over Scott Weiland less than two years removed from starring in a Herbie movie), but just how quickly she was able to find illicit drugs. Cracked out celebs may be some of the most industrious people on earth. Despite being under the microscope of law enforcement, the paparazzi and their own handlers (presumably) trainwrecks like Lohan are able to procure illegal drugs within hours of being granted freedom, and limited freedom at that! That's the kind of resourcefulness that the US economy needs right now! Imagine if those skills were applied to resolving the subprime credit crisis? Someone scrape Nick Nolte off the terminal floor and hand him the reins at Countrywide. Maybe we could aim for even loftier goals. If Jake "The Snake" can find crack in Iowa (or wherever the hell he was in the dreadfully depressing documentary "Beyond the Matt") at a moment's notice why couldn't he re-unify Cyprus, Korea or Journey? (note: he may be dead in which case the question answers itself).

Anyways, just a thought. I feel better now.