Monday, March 9, 2009

TO in T.O.

...and to my lackeys, I leave $6.5 million so that football team you all tricked me into thinking was a good investment can go out and buy something that will sell those last few seats at the Dome. Now, everyone get back to work!

Thanks Uncle Ted.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

An Unexplained Absence and an Inauspicious Return

Whaaa...? Where am I...? What are all these tubes for? The last thing I remember was turning off the TV after the Bills beat the Chargers. Is that snow? Have I missed their home playoff date in the divisional round?

Between then and now...a heaping pile of shit

I actually wish I had been in a coma. The final 10 weeks of the 2008 Buffalo Bills season have likely sawed 7-10 years off from my life expectancy. I don't yet have the energy to describe exactly what it was like watching this team find new and remarkable ways to lose games that were all but won. If the goal was to winnow down the fan base to those who are either unshakably loyal or mentally retarded the folks at One Bills Drive have succeeded. I think this is how murderous regimes find soldiers to carry out their most heinous crimes. Anyone with any objectivity or sense has likely decided that 2009 will be the year they finally let their season's tickets go un-renewed. Me? I'm just too stupid.

It's also important for me to set the record straight. Steve Holt was not Michael Crichton's pen name. My hiatus and his death were unrelated. In fact there's no good excuse for my absence. I don;t really have a good reason for returning to the World Wide Net Web either. All I have is this guy...

That's long-time SI reporter Peter King. As I had described a few months back in a piece regarding King's lavish praise of the now discredited Brett Favre, King is to overrated, white football players what Tiger Beat was to Corey Haim. He is a shameless "Glorifier". In his most recent absurd fawning he declared that New England Patriots slotback Wes Welker made his All-Pro team. In doing so he disagreed with most NFL coaches and defensive backs who, rightfully so, don't even view Welker as the best receiver on the Patriots. That's why they allow him to catch a whole lot of meaningless passes. The aforementioned Michael Crichton could put up impressive numbers if he were lined up across from Randy Moss. Welker caught over 100 passes because opposing teams were alright with that. Teams said "keep the twerpy little guy in front of you and he can't hurt us", and he didn't! He scored three measly touchdowns. Shouldn't there be some stipulation that in order to be an All-Pro you must a) be covered by a #1 corner at least once during the season in question b) out run somebody in the secondary even if its a strong safety, c) not be considered a "lesser evil" than 53 year old Kevin Faulk or d) have more touchdown receptions than Chansi Stuckey or Hank Baskett. Now I'm not saying Welker is a bad player. I am just saying that it is ridiculous to put him ahead of Larry Fitzgerald, Steve Smith, Brandon Marshall, Calvin Johnson or Anquan Boldin. What's most shocking is that King stopped short of naming his Brofriend Brett Favre to the team. I can only assume the software would not accept the selection of a quarterback from a non-playoff team who led the league in nothing other than interceptions and percentage of teammates who'd like him to go F himself. Too bad the Pro Bowl voting system didn't have the same safeguard in place.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I don't know what to believe in anymore....

No way!....Really?.....You're kidding, right?....C'mon!....Really?.....No f-ing way....Tell me you're kidding.....Billie Jean King is Gay?

Oh, that's Clay Aiken. Never mind.

PS: Speaking of gay, that image is taken from

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The more you know...

This is an elephant...

This is an elephant with a heroin addiction...

That's pretty f-ed up. The moral of this story is don't do drugs because you'll end up looking like shit, even if you're an elephant.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I like to pitch, but I love to sing and Daaaaance

Yesterday saw the suddenly resurgent Toronto Blue Jays pull off their 9th and 10th consecutive wins of the season by sweeping both ends of a day/nighter in Chicago. While the two wins were very enjoyable to watch the true highlight was when Chicago paraded out (no pun intended) their 5th pitcher of the night, one Lance Broadway. Here he is in all his splendor...

Sorry, that's not him...

Again, my mistake. You'd think that was him, but it isn't....

We must be having some sort of technical issues as apparently that isn't him either. This is the actual Lance Broadway...

Now there's a very good chance that Mr. and Mrs. Broadway weren't particularly familiar with all-male cabaret shows nor had they watched a great deal of gay porn. As such they can be forgiven for not realizing that "Lance Broadway" was such can I say this...dramatic name. That is, of course, unless they saw something in him at birth that indicated lil' baby Broadway may have an affinity for all things fabulous. If that's the case Lance Broadway is about as obvious as you can get, short of Reed Chrown or Sandhu Travolta-Cruise Jr.

Good for Lance for going against the grain and not following the path that was clearly pre-destined for him by his given name (surprisingly not a stage name, I looked it up). Mediocre righthanded reliever is certainly not what his parents had in mind back when they were deciding what to call him. Way to break free and make your own way, Lance.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Week 1 in Review part 2: the Tim Russert Memorial highway

Let's forget the ugliness from the previous column and instead focus on the wonderfulness that is the 2008 Buffalo Bills. The opener contained more highlights than last season in its entirety. Marshawn looked like he could break every run. We had a dazzling punt return touchdown by Roscoe which was started and ended by fantastic blocks from Orchard Park's own, Jon Corto. We had the punter throwing a touchdown pass to a backup defensive end in a play that rarely works in high school, nonetheless the pros. The very next play saw Corto blowup the kick returner and the kicker (the mother f---ing kicker!) dive headlong into the pile to rip away the loose ball. That was followed by Trent going straight for the jugular by threading a 30 yard strike to Royal for a TD. It was almost too much goodness to absorb all at once, akin to opening your Christmas presents whilst sitting on the john.

Apart from the highlights you'd see on ESPN there were many little things that should make Bills fans even more excited as we look forward to the rest of the season. First of all, this year our defense goes forward when the ball is snapped rather than being pushed 5 yards backwards. This is a meaningful improvement. Stroud, Kawika Mitchell and Spencer Johnson add both size and surprising speed which have been sorely lacking from this team's D for the last couple years. Also they have gone back to the "mulling around" D which worked so well against the Cowboys last year. This is where the guys on the line just sort of linger in a menacing and confusing fashion. Seattle's offensive line looked both confused and terrified whenever the Bills employed this strategy. The D-line and linebackers took on a bit of crazy, erratic appearance. The Seahawks didn't know what to make of them. I liked that. The offensive line gave Trent all kinds of time and opened a couple huge holes for Marshawn. Kirk Chambers put in the best performance by a Kirk since the 1988 World Series. The special teams units looked even more dominating than last year even with the departure of some key players in the off-season. Bills fans can now replace their Aiken, Wire and Haggan jerseys with those of Corto, Costanzo and Wendling. YouTube legend John Wendling attempted to block Mare's field goal by leaping over the line. He made it over and landed on his feet but just missed the ball. He may have got a fingernail on it though it could have just been such a feeble kick that it looked tipped. I will have the PVR on during every opposing field goal try in an attempt to capture Wendling's amazing feat. When it happens (and it will) the tape will be more valuable then the Big Foot and Zapruder film combined. On top of all that, they came out of the game completely healthy with Jason Peters joining the squad after passing his physical.

By the way what was with Seattle and their miserable effort? They might as well have started Niles and Frasier as their defensive end pairing. The great Patrick Kerney had his ass handed to him all day even without having to utilize a double-team. If he'd registered a meaningless coverage sack I would have dubbed him the West Coast Aaron Schobel. He couldn't even manage that. The decision making by the team was abysmal. It was as if the players and coaches were in a contest to see who could make the other look worse. The fact that the Bills got the ball back at the end of the first half with as much time as they did was simply unforgivable. Perhaps the 'Hawks wasn't able to get up for the game given the unfamiliar surroundings. Admittedly it is difficult finding a good Soy-latte caramel macchiato or an unoaked chardonnay with the proper grassy mouthfeel to make the team feel at home. Maybe next time they make the trip to the Ralph they'll at least bring their own baristas.

So let's take a look at the AFC. The pre-season consensus favorites were New England, San Diego, Indianapolis and Jacksonville. Those four teams combined to win one measly game in week 1, New England's 17-10 squeaker at home to the awful Chiefs who were down to their backup quarterback. If the Chiefs were anything short of pathetic they would have at least tied the game. As an indication of how less rosy the Patriots fortunes look they are now the underdog next week against the Jets. The Jets just snuck by the Dolphins yesterday. San Diego and Indy both lost at home to teams that spent last post-season watching from home...and they were in the NFC! That's inexcusable. The Bills hosted an NFC opponent that actually won a playoff game last year and guess what? They really suck.

That brings us to Jacksonville, the Bills opponent in week 2. The Jags put forth a middling effort in losing to the Titans. If they truly were the team to beat they would have found a way to beat Tennessee and their non existent offense. The Holt family will leave Friday morning for Actionville with considerably more optimism than would have been the case just a few days ago, not only for that game but for the season as a whole. Last week the league was mathematically wide open. Today, it's actually wide open.

Week 1 in Review Part 1: the Low Road

Charlie, remember when I said that you should never take pleasure in other people's misfortune? Well, you can scratch that.

Just after Marshawn danced into the end zone from 21 yards out the image of Tom Brady's leg buckling under the weight of Kansas City safety Bernard "Karma" Pollard splashed across TV screens from coast to coast. In a play eerily similar to the one that saw Vince Wilfork roll over JP Losman's leg early last season, Mr. Bunchen's season appears to be over. This is not to say JP Losman is Tom Brady. As far as I know, Losman has never dumped a pregnant woman for a supermodel...and he still has all his ACLs intact.

Sorry Tom, as I'm sure you're in a great deal of pain. It's unfortunate that this is how fate chose to finally punish your team for all the cheating, run up scores and generally lecherous behaviour. I would have gone with dual lifetime suspensions for Moss and Harrison for masterminding the collapse of the mortgage market or had Belichick kidnapped by a jilted husband.

One way or another it comes time to pay the piper. Just like communism, $140 oil and the popularity of reality shows involving dancing, that which is truly unjust can not be sustained forever. Perhaps we can now add the Patriots Regime to that list. With one awkwardly bent knee the world has become right again and a nation's faith is restored. In the end, are we at all surprised that this happened on a Sunday?